you’re doing fine; keep going

Outgoing.

That’s a new adjective to adjust to.

I’m doing outgoing activities like open mics, performing monologues, and this upcoming zine fest called the Betty Zine Fest in Newark, October 7th, 2017 from 11am-4pm. I’ll be tabling and selling there, my first time doing so at a zine fest! I’m really excited but nervous. Though I have sold at the Asian American Literature Festival and at the Asian American Writers’ Workshop, so this will be nothing new, just slightly different.

Like I bought my own cash box a hour ago on the insistence of a friend who’s done cons. Now I have to figure out how many of each bill I should get based on how much I’m selling the Asian American Literary Review‘s “Open in Emergency: A Special Issue on Asian American Mental Health” and tarot card decks. I also need to design some signs for pricing and paypal info, though I think I’ll commission a friend to do that. Hope they have time. Hope I have money haha.

I’m wondering what other outgoing activities I do. Or will do. Am I considered outgoing now? I think I’m still introverted ‘cuz I tend to feel more relieved when I get out of a crowded room, even if the event/friends were great. But I am getting better with people. I enjoy conversations more and I’m pretty personable, even when meeting new people.

For a bit I thought I was plateauing, remaining the same, but I might be in another round of transition. It’s been two years since my transformation has started (marked by my acceptance as an AAWW author events intern) and I don’t think it’s stalling.

I wonder what kind of eileen I’ll become at the end of it?

I hope I still like her like how I like me now. Still some self-hatred but it’s starting to ebb. But maybe it’s good to have that around, just to motivate myself to do better.

I had dinner with my bestie Mar on Tuesday. She told me:

Let them go. They could be blocking you from someone who’s hiding and right for you. If you keep talking to them, you’ll never see that person.

That’s the gist of it anyway. And what she said blew my damn mind. It feels obvious but I definitely couldn’t see it. One person is in a serious relationship and way too far to reasonably consider honestly. Not the way I am now. So I should definitely let them go. Sometimes I miss them and detest the radio silence and wonder if I should reach out first. But maybe it’d be better if I let even the friendship die.

Wow that hurts my eyes to type.

No, I shouldn’t say that. They mean a lot to me, even if you omit the romance. But while my wounds are still fresh, I should just mature some more. Find footing and maybe someone else before I speak with them again.

There’s also another person anyway, with real possibility. Which kind of scares me.

But sometimes fear is an indication to do it.

In any case, I wanna date… at some point. In the nearish future haha. Not quite there yet but it’s an excuse, I know. Even if I get a steady job, I feel like I’ll concoct another reason not to date. I don’t want to put myself out there and get harassed and creeped out by jerks or yellow fever bros.

Maybe I’ll get lucky and find someone in one shot online like dude #1 did.

I have a feeling I’m not that lucky haha.

But what I’m discovering is that I should give myself more credit. I’ve been on the edge of my seat waiting for rejection in all sorts of ways and I have yet to see a no. Though there was a rejection that was justified but I swear I’ll do better.

So maybe I’ll find someone who wants me wholeheartedly and isn’t trash lol. And maybe I can trust myself enough to want them too.

Ugh this whole thinking about love thing is making me anxious. Bleh.

Forget I typed anything haha.

If even just thinking about love is complicated, I wonder how it’ll feel in the middle of it?

I hope I find out before I turn 30. I’m 29 right now, three months into it.

Then again, I tend to overthink things. Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on what love/relationships should be and look like. I blame Hollywood.

I need to learn how to let go of expectations. Just enjoy whatever I have right now. If love happens then great, if it doesn’t, well, at least I’ll love myself.

And I’m doing pretty well by myself, braver with my choices, stand up for myself more and better with confrontation and speaking about how I feel. A lot more honest and forthcoming too. I think I’ll be fine, no matter how many times my heart gets broken or gets bolstered.

There’s more to me than my heart and more to this world than love.

right?

eileen

 

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