inner and outer spaces

2015 bleeding into 2016 and its entirety feels like the year where I was discovering spaces. Like the Asian American Writers’ Workshop where I found a community of fellow uhh AA writers just like me. It was also the year I discovered I was queer. And Gabriela NY which is a Filipina womxn group that connects the Diaspora to the struggles going on in the Philippines. I also held down my first full-time job. Became the head event and donation space coordinator of The Asian American Literary Review‘s “Open In Emergency: A Special Issue on Asian American Mental Health” (that alone needs a blog post). And saw my work published across an array of publications like In Full Color with my FIRST monologue “Aswang Presidente“.

It was a lot of growing pains and getting used to being welcomed, because for such a long time I didn’t think I could have any of it. Or deserved it. And things like being queer, weren’t really in my head prior to 2015. Flashes maybe, but I never let myself delve into it.

Yet 2017 will be the year I take ownership of these spaces. Not in terms of taking over, but in how I allow myself to take these segments as part of my evolving identity. Technically today I will be having orientation at GAB in Brooklyn, going to dress rehearsal in Jersey City for my monologue “Psychotic Break” (another future blog post) for the In Full Color production next week, and then wrap up with B. Steady‘s Breakup Songs concert in Greenwich Village at Madame X.

Activism then Onstage then Queer.

All of these I never expected to be a part of. Not a year ago. Not even six months ago.

It’s so fucking weird to be here, but I love it. And I want to continue to be a part of these spaces and discover many more. I know there’s a lot more waiting out there for me. I know there are parts of me that I have yet to unearth and bring out into the light. I’m such a late bloomer, but I like how I haven’t quite peaked yet. Maybe I won’t peak until my early 30s. I’m currently 28 and I feel like there’s so much out there just waiting for me.

I haven’t experienced Love yet. Though it feels like I’m getting closer every time. I still want to work for an experimental press and there’s at least two avenues that I can approach. Driving is another task I have to master. Cooking looks like a fun necessity. And oh gosh, traveling to Philadelphia and New Orleans just opened my eyes to what I could find. I loved traveling by myself. And I want to get a job that allows me that time to do it, and maybe I’ll be lucky enough again to find a job involves travelling.

Then there’s the writing. My lord, I have so many ideas of how to transform the page and to go beyond through other mediums. Like art-o-mat. And I have a really cool idea for a book column that I can’t wait to share (another damn blog post lol). It should debut next month so I’ll be sure to delight you all hah.

A part of me is worried that I’ll let all of this fall by the wayside. I’ve come across things I never did once I announce them on On This Day. It kinda breaks my heart every time so I want to push myself to create and write more. This blog being the first step.

I want to create more bonds and connections. Continue falling in love with new parts of myself. Find more reasons to adore the world I live in. Though I will admit that a lot of this stems from the fear of losing myself all over again to another psychosis. I don’t know if I’ll remain this happy and this stable a year from now. It’s not guaranteed. So I want to do as much as I can, while I can.

I’m so scared of going crazy again. I’m tearing up while typing this. I finally love who I am and to think I can lose ALL OF IT just because of some sort of chemical imbalance. It makes me want to cower and tremble and hide.

But I’ve done enough of that. I deserve to be sane. I deserve to be alive. I deserve to be here and to share my thoughts with you. I deserve this voice and I will make it as loud and as soft as necessary. I will declare love once I am in love. I tell others they are wonderful whether I’m romantically interested or not. And I don’t want to suppress another sincere compliment for the fear of looking creepy or weird.

I know what it’s like to suppress and repress things. I never want to go back to that.

Ever.

So I’m going to give it my all today, for every event I’m involved in. I want to be present. I want to ask questions. I want to listen intently. I want to learn most of all. And I want to give myself a chance.

Every day I get to live, is another opportunity to make the younger me proud. Whether it was me at 5, 15, 25, or just 5 days ago, I want to make every iteration of myself beaming from above and from within.

I have a lot of awkwardness ahead of me and so much learning to do. But I’m excited. Still terrified. But ecstatic to be here at all.

It is so weird to be in all of these spaces and know that I should be there. N. told me that I would be a great asset to Gab. And my director Summer said I could definitely perform my piece and it was well-written. And I’ll be in the presence of Be, the idol I cried happy tears in front of, telling her she was my role model for creation and for being queer, just a few months ago.

It will be a full but good day. I know it.

I just hope I don’t oversleep. It’s 3 in the morning and my train is in 4.5 hours… yeah I don’t know if I should sleep lol.

But it was worth it to express this. I can end this night happy knowing I blogged at least. I want to make blogging a regular thing for me. I always lament for not documenting my life enough, especially NOW, when I’m doing so damn much.

Can someone hold me accountable? lol I’m terrible at it.

I don’t think it’s enough to have cool ideas anymore. I need to enact them. What’s the point of blueprinting something and not following through?

I’ve never done so much but I can do so much more. I want to be prolific. I want to meet so many people and get my mind blown in so many ways. I want to witness my failings and turn it all around. I want to excel and be as brilliant as others have told me, as I’m starting to believe.

It’s going to be a very interesting 2017. And I’m so glad you’re here with me while I go through all of it. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone. And I love seeing my friends succeed and go to the next step. For such a long time, I never believed there was a next step for me. That I was doomed to stagnancy and failed potential.

But I’m not. And you’re not either. As much as I’ve changed, I can’t forget who I once was, no matter how alien she is to me now. I used to blog in repetition and in circles but I’m witnessing an evolution in my writing and in myself.

Will I be the same girl this time next year? Will I drop any of these spaces and no longer claim them as my own? I really don’t want to, but it’s a possibility. I don’t know who I’ll become a year from now or even in three months and that terrifies me AND excites me.

I just hope at the center that I’ll still be this sweet, genuine, kind-hearted, brilliant woman. But I wouldn’t mind becoming more flirtatious and witty hahah.

Like I just came up with this gem while watching Nathan Skyes’ music video “More Than You’ll Ever Know“:

Heaven has a name and it’s yours.

I’m not sure if I was referring to the fine black model or to that equally tantalizing singer, but damn, I need to use that line on someone lol.

I can’t quite afford to date now. And I’m scared as hell. BUT I think I’d make an adorable dinner date haha.

I should probably enter every relationship thinking it’s a friendship first. Let the chemistry and attraction develop later. I’m still figuring out being queer and it’s pretty hard getting used to thinking that I want a boyfriend OR a girlfriend.

Heteronormativity is a hell of a drug

Quote me haha. I want that shit on a t-shirt lol.

In any case, I shouldn’t date just yet. I want to focus on myself and getting my life together. Yet again I’m in another transitional phase. They can be interesting to be a part of, but I really want my life to stabilize so I can really get into the groove of things.

But like I said, maybe it’ll lead me to even bigger and brighter things. Maybe this intermission will open to a huge next act. Maybe there’s a whole another side to myself waiting to bloom.

I’m blushing at the thought.

eileen

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s