you deserve more than what you’re giving to yourself

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This is an excerpt from a deleted tumblr entry I made like two years ago. It was venomous, too personal, and I believe the word is depressing. I put too much emotion and effort to just let them be gone forever so I printed them all out and placed them in my red binder. I read them for the first time in so many months the other day. The innate fury, the overpowering desire, the forlorn self-pity… I’m not sure if I wrote anything in recent memory with this much energy. Maybe last night’s post but I don’t know.

But this pictured section is relevant right now. I have a hard time doing what’s best for me, like sleeping early. I have an addictive personality and I easily succumb to instant gratification. It’s bad man. Like I should be asleep right now and it’s killing my career but I still stay up late.

I must really hate myself.

But this is a good reminder to change for the better. I can do this:

A. Exercise to a healthy weight
B. Sleep long and early
C. Drive on my own
D. Save money to move out
E. Cook by myself
F. Write and edit regularly
G. Pursue the fuck out of my dreams
H. Love myself completely

It won’t happen overnight but I can do baby steps. Skip the frap. Take the stairs. Cease the incessant self-hatred mid sentence.

And maybe I’ll let myself flirt with a guy. Go to parties and events. Meet new people. I’m not ready for a relationship (I’ll declare it once I have a full-time job for awhile and feel secure & confident with myself). But that doesn’t mean I can’t make a new friend or at least have a great conversation with a stranger. I really want to get a wonderful book recommendation from a cutie but I can wait it out.

There’s so much more to life than what I’m doing right now. So much more to me than what I’m seeing right now. If I let myself try. Put myself out there. I know I’ll surprise myself and maybe you too.

But you probably already know I’m pretty damn amazing.

Who wouldn’t?

eileen

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